What can you do when you know a client’s values?
Although the questionnaire is extremely valuable as it enables a client to answer questions in their own time and to reflect, it is important to verify these during an in-person interview. It is common that client’s perception of their values is skewed by the very same values. Therefore, face-to-face interactions can enable a good coach to gain further depth into this.
Values
Values are the door to understanding each person to a very deep level. You can see motivation, beliefs and resulting emotions very clearly.
We all have certain value in certain areas of life and certain aspects of life.
For example:
- High value in healthy diet
- High value in exercise
- High value in earning a steady income
- High value to reach a big audience
- High value in bringing up children
- High value in family….
When someone has a high value in something then he or she will invest time, money, effort into this particular value. We also commonly don’t mind spending money for things that support these high values.
This comes very naturally and very often quite unconsciously. Surely this is also tainted by our beliefs and upbringing.
For example, if relationships and education are high in your values you will have no hesitation in doing your utmost to finance a good education for your kids, buy them what they need. You are also happy to provide full support for your wife/husband so they can excel in their passion.
If your values are high in health you will eat the best food, drink the cleanest water and take the best supplements to support your health. You will also have a lot of sporting equipment in your house and garage, and you will spend quite some time, either boating, skiing, hiking, walking or whatever workout you choose. Most of all, you will not tire of learning and talking about the latest insights that may help you advance.
Values can change depending on life circumstances. Suddenly relationship gets more important as money because we realise that if we don’t look into our relationship, invest time and care then we could lose for example a friend or partner.
Empowerment of as many areas of life is a goal we all should thrive for. Areas of life are: Spiritual, relationship, social, physical, mental, financial and vocational.
| Area of life | Low | Medium | high |
| SPIRITUAL | |||
| RELATIONSHIP | |||
| PHYSICAL | |||
| MENTAL | |||
| FINANCIAL | |||
| SOCIAL | |||
| VOCATIONAL |
Low value areas
Low value areas, on the other hand, are neglected – you do not invest adequate time, and you are unwilling to invest your money and everything is too exhausting. The amount of time, money and energy you spend on this area is held to a minimum.
This becomes very obvious when a client has enough money, great business but is complaining about the cost of supplements. Or they have all the time in the world to talk about work instead wasting 20 minutes on exercise.
Values, which are low, are only neglected because there are no positive beliefs associated with them. This can only be changed if a core belief or value is altered to shift a client’s focus. Or the importance of a low value activity/area is related to a high value aspect of a client’s life.
Every belief is the accumulation of convincing arguments. If you have ten arguments against sport and only nine for it, the scale will tip always against you doing it. You will always choose according to your values and do what’s loaded with more positive beliefs.
By understanding this simple principle, we can shift values slowly but constantly.
How can we change these beliefs that lead to a low value area?
Simply by adding benefit after benefit to the area we want to increase.
Adding Value
In this exercise we use a low value area and link it to all the different areas of life. The more points identified the better. In total at least 50 benefits should be listed. Below is an example.
How does exercise improve your spiritual life?
(Yoga – better concentration, better discipline. Exercise – clears the mind, taking care of the temple in which you live.)
How does exercise improve your relationship life?
(Proud spouse, better sex, more respect, walking the talk, better influence on kids, less expenses for doctors, activities can be shared, active holidays together, better provider because less sick, etc.)
How does exercise improve your mental life?
(Being able to think clearly, no more brain-fog, better oxygenation of the brain, detoxification, longer concentration, better memory, etc.)
How does exercise improve your physical life?
(Less pain, more joy, can eat more without gaining weight, feeling strong and fit, good appearance, enjoying outdoor activities, etc.)
How does exercise improve your financial life?
(Less expenses for doctors, savings on health insurance, higher productivity, enjoying savings instead of paying for a clinic, etc.)
How does exercise improve your social life?
(Being able to dress better, radiant appearance, more energy, feeling better about yourself, etc.)
How does exercise improve your career life?
(Stronger, more endurance, better posture, more discipline, less down time, healthier, better example to others, etc.)
You will see that every single client will have a completely different list of benefits. Depending on their high values, they will list many benefits in certain areas and less in others. It’s important not to judge but to support these links.
Once these benefits have been identified it is good practice to put them in a place that is regularly sighted (hang them on the mirror in your bathroom, the fridge….).
This constant reminder of benefits will slowly shift the scale towards ACTION and CHANGE.
My beliefs create my reality!
Self-responsibility is a tough one for most clients but it is the foundation for change.
A great example here is financial values that are reflected by others. If you feel worthy of money you will charge for your services and will not accept delay in payment or excuses. You will set up rules and processes for money to come to you. A person that has no high self-value will work for free, hoping the receiver pays on their own accord. This generally leads to disappointment and frustration. The result is that they blame the economy or the bad attitude of customers but don't see their own involvement.
Every single person is stuck in their ways and needs to get a fresh viewpoint and some encouragement on how to live life more constructively. That’s why we invite problems, challenges and conflict. It motivates us to leave the safe space of our old patterns and look at a new reality.
A doctor recently told me that he didn’t have a single minute to read up on a test that I had sent him. That same doctor though, planned to quadruple his patient base while adding new treatments to his program. Obviously there is conflict.
The first conflict is values. To learn something new which is outside of his present qualification is a challenge. He would rather hold onto something he already knows and is proficient in.
The second conflict is the change itself.
To solve the problem, we simply added an imaginary patient to his client list. During those five hours per week he could use the time for research and study.
All conflicts require change in order to be resolved and that’s where the coach is really important.
Recommendation
A great way to help a client in any stressful situation is when a coach can point out alternative ways to do, see and handle things. Feel free to challenge stagnant beliefs and point out alternative ways that would be easy with only small shifts of their beliefs.
This exercise often works really well in a group. I found that some patients contributed stunning ideas on how to handle the same problem differently, ideas that one practitioner/coach might not have thought of. This group work does depend on the motivation and commitment of the group.
Voids Drive Values
Everybody behaves and acts based on their values. Therefore, more time and energy is invested in some areas and less in others. Unfortunately, these areas, which are neglected, suffer. Most clients who are coming to see a Truly Heal coach will commonly have neglected their health.
When a person has not yet learned to value health, they tent to abuse their body (unconsciously) and once the damage is done, hand over responsibility to their doctor: ‘fix me’ and don’t tell me to change my diet, I have no time for this.
Unfortunately, this attitude does not solve the problem because the disease (cancer, fatigue, allergies, migraines, etc.) is not the problem but a symptom of a series of lifestyle and dietary choices that have led to the problem in the first place.
Patients who do not change this attitude and do not increase their value for health will always have an accumulation of diseases. Dr. Rau says these patients have a disease career. Their health impacts rise consistently until they reach the point of no return.
When studying answers in the questionnaire you will recognize people who have neglected health. Their journey began with small trivial discomforts and then progress with increasing intensity.
For some the pain of being sick is enough to start increasing their value in health. These people learn and read (invest time), they begin buying different foods and supplements (invest money) and lastly they communicate with others and invest more energy. For most people though, this change only happens when the big diagnoses have hit them. They have ignored all warning signs and now have to face the ultimate challenge.
This is nature’s automatic self-regulating mechanism that every coach can use to his/her advantage.
It’s called: VOIDS DRIVE VALUES.
Whatever you lose you want most. If you have no relationship you want one. If you have been diagnosed, you want to be healthy. If you have no money you want it more than anything else.
Recommendation
Voids Drive Values is a so-called self-regulating universal law that a coach can use to motivate a client into action and change. Slow steps that are not too overwhelming are best and if you link them to a high value of a client, they even love you for it.
It is important to note that you can never achieve this activity by fascinating a clients low value areas, they simply fail in the second step. Therefore, linking is the key.
Benefits of being sick
Many patients have a hidden benefit in being sick, this can be very unconscious. Benefits in being sick can be a strong reason why they don’t want to change the situation and get healthy.
The benefit can be:
- They get more attention
- They are under less pressure
- The kids finally come for a visit each week
- Doctors, therapists are listening to them
- Their time is filled with appointments
- They don’t need to go to work anymore, because they actually didn’t like their job
- Suddenly someone looks after them…..
As long as this benefit is bigger than the pain of being sick no real change will ever happen.
Stress
Stress is a natural part of life. The expressions are familiar to us, “I’m stressed out,” “I’m under too much stress,” or “Work is one big stress.
Stress is hard to define because it means different things to different people; however, it’s clear that most stress is a negative feeling rather than a positive feeling.
You may feel physical stress which is the result of too much to do, not enough sleep, a poor diet or the effects of an illness. Stress can also be mental: when you worry about money, a loved one’s illness, retirement, or experience an emotionally devastating event, such as the death of a spouse or being fired from work.
However, much of our stress comes from less dramatic everyday responsibilities. Obligations and pressures which are both physical and mental are not always obvious to us. In response to these daily strains your body automatically increases blood pressure, heart rate, respiration, metabolism, and blood flow to your muscles. This response, is intended to help your body react quickly and effectively to a high-pressure situation.
When you are constantly reacting to stressful situations without making adjustments to counter the effects, you will feel the stress which can threaten your health and well-being.
It is essential to understand that external events, no matter how you perceive those events may cause stress.
Tips for reducing or controlling stress
If stress is chronic, it may require more attention and/or lifestyle changes. Determine YOUR tolerance level for stress and try to live within these limits. Learn to accept or change stressful and tense situations whenever possible.
- Be realistic. If you feel overwhelmed by some activities (yours and/or your family’s), learn to say NO! Eliminate an activity that is not absolutely necessary. You may be taking on more responsibility than you can or should handle. If you meet resistance, give reasons why you’re making the changes. Be willing to listen to other’s suggestions and be ready to compromise.
Setting boundaries are an important factor that can help with reducing stress.
Here are some examples for poor boundaries. Ultimately they will all lead to stress.:
- We give and take care of other’s needs
- We feel guilt around saying ‘no’
- We don’t want to hurt or upset others
- We feel obligated to keep giving and helping
- We can end up resenting how much we give
- We can’t say no, especially with people that trigger us
- We ignore our own needs to meet the needs of others
- Deep down we may need to be needed
A lot of us struggle with boundaries in action. When it comes to upholding our boundaries we might feel like they are harsh, uncaring, or cold. But on the contrary, good boundaries are loving for both ourselves and others. Boundaries allow us to open our hearts more fully. Walls keep people out; boundaries teach people where the door is.
- Shed the “superhero” urge. No one is perfect, so don’t expect perfection from yourself or others. Ask yourself, “What really needs to be done?” How much can I do? Is the deadline realistic? What adjustments can I make?” Don’t hesitate to ask for help if you need it.
- Reduce expectations. Expectations of a person, a situation, a future outcome… can cause a lot of unnecessary stress. We can’t control the future, nor people or the now. Everything happens for a reason and is out of our control. Therefore, having no expectations is the most liberating thing. Taking every moment and day as it comes, being grateful what unfolds and dealing with the situations as they arise will do wonders in reducing stress.
- Meditate. Just ten to twenty minutes of quiet reflection may bring relief from chronic stress as well as increase your tolerance to it. Use the time to listen to music, relax and try to think of pleasant things or nothing.
- Visualize. Use your imagination and picture how you can manage a stressful situation more successfully. Whether it’s a business presentation or moving to a new place, many people feel visual rehearsals boost self-confidence and enable them to take a more positive approach to a difficult task.
- Take one thing at a time. For people under tension or stress, an ordinary workload can sometimes seem unbearable. The best way to cope with this feeling of being overwhelmed is to take one task at a time. Pick one urgent task and work on it. Once you accomplish that task, choose the next one. The positive feeling of “checking off” tasks is very satisfying. It will motivate you to keep going.
- Exercise. Regular exercise is a popular way to relieve stress. Twenty to thirty minutes of physical activity benefits both the body and the mind.
- Hobbies. Take a break from your worries by doing something you enjoy. Whether it’s gardening or painting, schedule time to indulge your interest.
- Healthy lifestyle. Good nutrition makes a difference. Limit intake of caffeine and alcohol (alcohol actually disturbs regular sleep patterns), get adequate rest, exercise, and balance work and play.
- Share your feelings. A conversation with a friend lets you know that you are not the only one having a bad day, caring for a sick child or working in a busy office. Stay in touch with friends and family. Let them provide love, support and guidance. Don’t try to cope alone.
- Remember you aren’t always right. Be flexible! If you find you’re meeting constant opposition in either your personal or professional life, rethink your position or strategy. Arguing only intensifies stressful feelings. Remember that everyone has different values, beliefs, conditioning and therefore perceives and experiences the world differently to you. Understanding this allows room for compassion and to take a step back without fighting about what we believe is the way.
- Go easy with criticism. You may expect too much of yourself and others. Try not to feel frustrated, let down, disappointed or even “trapped” when another person does not measure up. The “other person” may be a wife, a husband, or child whom you are trying to change to suit yourself. Remember, everyone is unique, and has his or her own virtues, shortcomings, and right to develop as an individual.
- Humour and laughter reduce the amounts of stress hormones, it has also been shown that they can help reduce the risk of blood clots, heart conditions, and other stress-related diseases.
10 Tips for incorporating humour into your life
1. List three funny things that happened to you each day.
2. Find a TV show or movie that tickles your funny bone.
3. Watch stand-up comedy. There are lots of options to watch online or on television and if you can get to a live show – even better!
4. Reach out to someone who gets your sense of humour. Share the funny things that have happened to you recently or reminisce about something in your past that gets you laughing. If busy schedules make calling hard to coordinate or you just don’t feel like talking, texting can do the trick.
5. Get online. There is a little something for everyone on the internet. Comics, memes, YouTube videos, blogs—if it gets you to laugh or smile, spend 15 minutes or so to check it out.
6. Have a game night—a little good spirited competition can get the good times rolling. Charades and Win-Loose-or Draw are classics. There are also plenty of newer card and board games that are designed with humour in mind.
7. Try laughter yoga.
8. Read a funny book.
9. Spend time with an animal or a child. Their antics are almost always good for a laugh.
10. Incorporate funny things into your environment. It could be a goofy picture of your friends, family or pets; a page-a-day calendar; a mug with a witty saying or cartoon.
Important ideas to consider when coaching a client in regards to stress:
- List the things which cause stress and tension in your life.
- How does this stress and tension affect you, your family and your job?
- Can you identify the stress and tensions in your life as short or long term?
- Do you have a support system of friends/family that will help you make positive changes?
- What are your biggest obstacles to reducing stress?
- What are you willing to change or give up for a less stressful and tension-filled life?
- What have you tried already that didn’t work for you?
- If you do not have control of a situation, what is the next step you need to take to live a healthier life? Accept it, let things go, or get support?
Further studying but not required:
Book: Where to draw the line by Anne Katherine M.A.