Your beliefs, Your stories, Your behaviours
Few of us know our authentic self because we live within conditioned thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behaviours that do not reflect our true, authentic self.
As already discussed previously our beliefs are shaped and copied from very early years on. The environment we grow up in (family, community, schools) conditioned our beliefs.
All YOUR BELIEFS that let you perceive an object, person or situation negative, unlovable, frustrated, hurtful, sad…will cause a host of negative emotions that can lead to rejection, avoidance, denial and certain behaviours.
All YOUR BELIEFS that let you perceive an object, person or situation positive, lovable, comfortable, joyous, motivated…. will cause you to want more and, in extremes, can cause illusions, fantasies, addiction and dependency.
As you may have realised, both extremes, positive and negative, can lead to certain behavioural beliefs, while being balanced and aware of both sides (the good and the bad) in everything leads to stillness, focus and success.
This doesn’t mean that we can’t be happy and sad in situations, it only means an addiction to one or the other can cause a certain conditioning and disconnection to our authentic self.
Don’t think that life is always perfectly balanced, instead it is the ups and downs that shape our existence and evolution.
By seeing a situation / person / or object as it is without any judgemental beliefs we are free of conditioning.
For example:
You and a friend went on holiday together – your friend had headaches in the morning, wasn’t feeling himself, hated the rain and thought the hotel room was dirty. Overall his whole holiday experience was bad.
On the other side, you had lots of energy and excitement, didn’t mind the rain and thought the short trip was fantastic. You thought the hotel room was nice and didn’t mind the few spots in the carpet.
Both parties had the same experience but depending on beliefs, conditioning and upbringing the experience and perception of the trip were completely different.
The list of examples can be endless: opinions about relationships, opinion about education, political oppositions, religious wars, health care, music, movies, beauty, countries, landscape, money, art and so on.
When our beliefs are challenged we react with our ego. We try to protect our beliefs which are often strongly ingrained over many years. We don’t want to hear an opposite viewpoint, nor do we won’t to be challenged. Modern psychology describes that as: “the ego – fights back, we have to protect our identity”
How we often deal with challenges/problems:
- Avoidance
Trying to avoid the problem, not seeing the problem. This is a defence mechanism to keep us safe. If I don’t know and therefore I can’t be affected. Freezes, withdraws from challenging situations, checking out, shutting down, pretending you don’t care are all behavioural reactions to avoid problems.
- Fear
Fear and anxiety control the situation, you are not able to deal with the problem in a neutral mindset. Fear controls your behaviour and reactions. Decisions made out of fear are not authentic and won’t properly address the problem. Often fleeing the situation out of fear creates safety.
- Victim Mentality
Playing the victim of circumstances is giving up ownership and accountability, agreeing to never disagree. This can only lead to oppression of one-self and giving up personal opinion. Hiding, isolation creates safety
- Confronting problems head on
Confronting problems vehemently is like gaslighting, needing to be right, hierachy behaviour, immediate solution oriented and vying for control. Power / control creates safety. Attacking problems is another way of protecting your ego story / beliefs.
- Pleasing
Agreeing with the problem, pleasing the other person, meeting demands and wants is another way of creating safety.
Observe yourself and get curious about the reaction you are having when confronted with a problem. Often we can also observe a nervous system activation such as a racing heart, sweaty palms, or shallow breathing when confronted with a problem. As we become more and more conscious, we are able to observe when we have these (seemingly) big reactions. Rather than reacting from our habit self (the conditioned self) we can pause. We can breathe. We can realize how we would react from our past experience.
How to solve problems:
“Watch it, Feel it, Allow it.”
Then
Accept – then act.
Whatever the present moment contains,
accept it as if you had chosen it.
Always work with it, not against it…
This will miraculously transform
Your whole life.”
By Eckhart Tolle
(Acting without the reactive energy)
My beliefs create my reality!
Recommendation
A great way to help a client in any stressful situation is when a coach can point out alternative ways to do, see and handle things. Feel free to challenge stagnant beliefs and point out alternative ways to shifts their beliefs. Help them to become mindful.
Try to be true to yourself. Listen to what you want and not how your conditioned ego learnt to behave. This won’t be easy in the beginning but will set you free in the end.
BREATHWORK: one of the most powerful modalities for calming the mind, creating stillness and the awareness of your inner feelings. The breath also stimulates the vagus nerve and therefore activates the parasympathetic nervous system. (opposite of fight and flight)
Intrusive thoughts
We all have experienced thoughts going around our head on a constant basis while being stressed out. We call them intrusive thoughts as they are always the same thoughts which come back and back.
How can you get rid of them, how can you still them? I once heard a psychologist answering to this question and he said there is no way to stop these thoughts nor fight them. Acknowledge them and label them as they are: “Just a thought”
What we resist persists. How true is this saying on so many levels.
The story of the two monks.
Two monks were making a pilgrimage. During the course of their journey, they came to a river where they met a beautiful young woman dressed in expensive finery and with her hair done up in the latest fashion. She was afraid of the current and afraid of ruining her lovely clothing, so one of the monks asked if he might carry her across the river. The younger monk was offended at the very idea and turned away with an attitude of disgust. The older monk didn’t hesitate, and quickly picked the woman up on his shoulders, carried her across the river, and set her down on the other side. She thanked him and went on her way.
The monks resumed their journey, the older one in perfect equanimity and enjoying the beautiful countryside, while the younger one grew more and more brooding and distracted, so much so that he couldn’t keep his silence any longer and suddenly burst out, ‘Brother, we are taught to avoid contact with women, and there you were, not just touching a woman, but carrying her on your shoulders!’
The older monk looked at the younger with a loving, pitiful smile and said, ‘Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river; you are still carrying her.’
Further studying but not required:
Book: The Wisdom of Anxiety by Sherryl Paul